Disillusioned

That is one of the feelings I am going through right now. I always thought I would marry one man and that was going to be it. Now, I am divorcing my second husband.

I want a marriage with a man who will be my partner, my bestfriend, my lover someone with whom I can feel safe, someone that will give as much as he takes, a marriage where we can both express and exchange our points of view w/o one having to be right. Where we are secure enough to spend time appart as well as time together. Where we can support eachother with our goals, where we share the same family and life values and have similar interests.

I want a family where old traditions are carried on and new ones are made. I want a mother in law (no, I am not crazy). I want nieces and nephews and bros and sis in law. I want thanksgivings and Christmases and mother's days where there are a lot of family members around and even if some don't get along they still come to eat grandmas' food. I used to have this until I got married and moved out of state and I miss it like crazy. I want a family that goes to church and pray together. I would like to have one more child.

Why can't I have this? will I ever have this? I have 3 children, this is my second marriage and that will make it harder to be in a new relationship. Not that I want to be in one right now but I like to experience the mentioned above before I die.