Transforming Dalia

Must all that goes up come down?

2009-06-30T11:58:00.002-04:00

Things have changed a bit, for the first time since I moved down here I have bills piling up. All messages I get say all will get better and to stop focusing on material things.

In the dictionary under hope and faith and believer is my picture.

I do firmly believe this will pass. My life will get better. I will be able to live my optimum life. The worse things get the closer I am to the light.

Season 2

2009-05-12T21:42:00.002-04:00

I have not posted because I have been writing on my LOA journal and my computer.

Azna and my whole team continue to be amazing, helping me with money, time, making things happen.

The LOA works, I am proof of it.

I cannot do enough to thank the universe and all my angels and Mother/Father God

THANK YOU ALL!!

My bills are paid
Food on the tabe
Roof over our heads
Gas in the car
Clothes
Family
Friends
Love
Pets
Flowers
Neighbors
New and old customers
Sold inventory
Successful weight loss(40lbs)www.reishislim.com
Health
Work
Great people
Helpful people
Great customer service

I want to manifest money to pay my debts and buy a home

Thank you!

Manifestation Bootcamp

2009-04-15T22:57:00.003-04:00

I am still on season 1 day 63. I have manifested:

The weight loss business still getting new customers.
I have lost 32 lbs!!
My spirituality is increasing
My relationship is strong
I am very grateful for every single person in the world they are part of who I am
I finished my second board
I started writing a book

Back Home

2009-04-11T11:23:00.001-04:00

Back Home from camping

Grateful for all we did
all we experienced, all we saw

our safe return home

Family

Thanks!!

2009-04-05T22:03:00.002-04:00

Azna has come through again and I got the money for the business, no interest!! I don't have to pay it back but I want to.

Thanks sooooo much!! Those frogs do not fail me!

Azna is the best, Every time I call her she answers, even if just to tell her thanks I can feel her presence so strongly.

Grateful for:
Frogs
Flowers
Bees
Love
Great people in my life
Family
Good times
Health
Quiet times
Nature
Warm fires
Safety

I Want tp Manifest at Super Quantum Speed

2009-04-01T08:34:00.002-04:00

$$$$

For all my projects!!

Thanks!!

Grateful for

Every day
Mimsy's 10th bday
Quantum speed manifestations
Company growing
Health
Weight loss
inch loss
new adventures
this weekend
next week
fun
family
abundance in all areas of life

Thank you to my team for working so hard to manifest all these wonderful things.

Manifesting at Quantum Speed - Update

2009-03-27T19:25:00.002-04:00

Holy Manifestations Batman!!

I already manifested some things from my list yesterday!!

Thank YOU!!!!!!!

Manifesting at Quantum Speed

2009-03-27T08:38:00.002-04:00

Money for all my ventures and dreams.
Happy customers that will return over and over and over...... and will highly recommend all the products and with whom I will have great relationships with.

Grateful for:
All the messages I am getting.
Everything is lining up and coming to me at the perfect time.
All my relationships
Health
Weight loss
Inch loss
All the projects I have

Gratitude

2009-03-24T20:54:00.002-04:00

I love writing what I am grateful for!

Here I GOooo!

My red pill is the answer to women like me who have struggled for sooo long to loose weight. www.myredpill.com the company does not advertise because word of mouth does all the advertising.

My relationship with Beau is going great. Distance makes it very hard but I do believe it is just a bump on the road to greatness and I also believe it keeps us from getting too close to soon. I do pray he gets a job in his field here in GA close to me.

I am at the post office shipping bottles and dolls at least once per week! I am very grateful for ALL my new and repeat customers!

My darlings are great! P got a job!

Thank you ALL that are part of my team to help me everyday!

Frogs, Bees and Flowers

2009-03-20T10:49:00.001-04:00

Grateful for these signs!! and the messages I am getting and my hunny and his dad's health.

So Grateful

2009-03-19T09:47:00.002-04:00

For so many things but today I am celebrating 25lbs removed in 10 weeks. Soooo Grateful!!

Grateful

2009-03-17T21:49:00.002-04:00

For:
Where my life is headed
For all the opportunities coming my way
Relaxation
The new world I am stepping into
The world of possibilities
My outlook in life
My heart is at peace
I love my life
I am very lucky
My dreams are coming true so fast
I am over the rainbow
Grateful for all the help I am getting
My parents
My family
New beginnings
Life, Love, Laughter, Music, Dance
Happy memories
Travel
Burning fat
Loosing weight fast and effortlessly- www.myredpill.com

What does it feel like when you have finally found your life's path?

2009-03-16T17:14:00.002-04:00

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Mother Azna, I need you again. I am so grateful for all you are doing for me!
Help me manifest the money for: POAMD, LCSWDL, EFTC, TATC and HC. LP, MC, HC, for all businesses.
Thank you!!

Grateful for:
Closeness
Dreams coming true
Discovering my path
Loving what I do
Doing what I love
All the new and repeat customers
My relationship with my guy
All sells fast
Jobs
Moving to GA
Great Pay
Fun
Nature
Loyal companions
True friends
Health
Breaking the walls
Ending addictions
New beginnings
23 lbs gone

Sorry I have been MIA

2009-03-12T18:21:00.003-04:00

Manifested:

Sold doll
I have found my life's path
Peace

Grateful for:
Bills paid
Roof over our head
CC debt gone
Money to play
My girls
Health
Love
Jealous people
My spiritual path
Where my life is heading
All the chills I get when I call on you
Sunny, warm days

Want to manifest:

5,000.00 for school
Bill money
More sold dolls
Health for my FIL
Sunny weekend or at least no rain this weekend where I am going to be

Thanks!

Mother Azna Help me Manifest....

2009-03-06T08:39:00.002-05:00

Money for the LC and SC programs
I huge sign about B and me's relation
Help for Y
Another 52# gone

I am very grateful for:
the 21# removed
the roof over our heads
my job
my clients
my family
bills are paid
abundance of happiness, love, food, finances
debt freedom
protection
guidance
love sent love received
A's little boyfriend

Grateful!!

2009-03-03T22:13:00.002-05:00

I have had 4 new customers for my weight loss business!! Thank you Azna and all who are always by my side!!!

Grateful for:
Manifesting dreams!
Truth
Open minded people
Strong people
Slow Cookers
Going up hill because coming down hill is lots of fun!

Manifested!

2009-02-27T21:52:00.002-05:00

2 new customers for my weight loss business!

Grateful!
For my 2 new satisfied customers
For all the new satisfied customers that will be coming
Reaching the 20 lbs loss
Losing 40-50 lbs more
My dolls selling before the auction is over
Training that will bring me 1$ more per hour at work
Working with great people and sweet clients
Seeing my hunny soon
New projects and experiences
Love I give and receive
Learning new things
Gary Spivey's free readings
Love letters
Unexpected flowers
Romantic surprises
Getting along
PEACE, LOVE & HAPPINESS
Clarity of mind and body
Detox
Web designers
Puppies
Going camping with the girls
Fun times
Fridays
Sleeping in
honest people
sales
success
my darling girls

Azna hear me now:

2009-02-26T23:02:00.003-05:00

I want:

To sell all 3 dolls for twice the price of what I have listed them, to very happy customers.

Sell lots of chocolates and enroll 2 people per week.

To loose 5 or more pounds per week.

Debt free.

Money to play, go on vacations, buy the home and car of my dreams.

For my Beau to find an awesome job in GA, perfect for him in every way.

For P to find an awesome job.

GRATEFUL!

For the lost weight
For our health
Detox
AA Raphael
AA Michael
My job
I am debt free and have money to play
Fun
Laughter
Music
Goose Bumps
Clean home
Books
Crafts
Frogs
Bees
Flowers
Looking forward to something great
Babies
Fun Fashions
Plastic surgery

Grateful

2009-02-23T19:39:00.002-05:00

Wonderful weekend
My Hunny
Surprise visits from raccoons
Nature trails
Being able to kiss my hunny
Hugging my hunny
Touching my hunny's face and looking at him in the eyes
Camping trips
Every other weekend
Luck
Manifesting
Mother Azna
Father God
Good fires
Staying warm in a cold night
Bills paid
Unexpected money
Health
Love
Life
Improving
Considerate people
Good news
Fun
Excitement
No debt
Money to play
Free money for schools
Charities
Improving Economy
Miracles
Catching criminals
Justice

Manifested

2009-02-19T11:18:00.003-05:00

2 Jobs!

Grateful:
Signs
weight loss
Being employed
debt free
dream home
vacation home
dream car
helping people
camping trips
being in love
success
happiness
smiles
hugs
kisses
passion
love making
warm showers
soft beds
finishing school
dream come true
relaxing
good movies
true stories of triumph

Love, Love, Love

2009-02-14T08:59:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I have been doing well at finishing dolls within one week.

It's hard spending 2 weeks apart from my guy. Usually the first week I am ok and the second week; the count down week I am just about to jump out of my skin. This week from the beginning I have been missing him like crazy!!

I wan to see him more often! Waaaah Waaaah The few hours we spend together when we see each other are soooo short.

I LOVE YOU!

Grateful for:
Bees
Flowers
Frogs
Hearts
All Valentines Day decorations(all in my fave colors)
Opening my channels
Channeling
Great channeling session yesterday
Peace
Happiness
Puppies
Singing
Dancing
Unexpected checks in the mail
All sells fast
Progress
Weight Loss
Smaller clothes

Grateful For:

2009-02-13T08:53:00.002-05:00

Azna making my dreams come true
2 job interviews
Love
Debt Free living
Traveling 1st class
Clean home
TTapp
Beautiful Decorations
My wonderful car
My guy
The sunshines of my life
The weightloss pills I use and sell (-13lbs)
Spiritual guidance
Archangels Raphael and Michael (who I use a lot)
People who successfully quit addictions and keep clean

Sending: Healing Energy to All

Grateful

2009-02-11T08:51:00.003-05:00

I got food from a charity here in town.
They help with the bills if they are late.
I lost 2 lbs!
Lots of people praying for me.
Done with doll #2. Thinking of which kit to work on this week.
People are interested in my dolls.
I am alive and healthy
My daughters are alive and healthy
God has a great plan in the works which will be revealed soon
I found a school that can help me get my license
Flowers
Valentines Day
Movies
Things that relax us

Manifesting a Job

2009-02-09T11:10:00.004-05:00

I want a job that is:
Mon- Thurs from 8a-1:30p
Pays 15.00$ or higher
Is 10 minutes away from my home
Is fun, diverse, creative
Busy all day
Light atmosphere
Friendly co workers
Lots of benefits
Will pay for future education
Will cross train me
Will grow with the company
I will be helping people
***************************
I am grateful for:
The weekend I had. Spending time with my guy is oh so relaxing.
We all got home safely
Steve is sending me a check
Love
Compassion
Opportunities coming
Opportunities past
Family
Honor
Every day I spend with the people I love
The job I will get soon.
Beau finding an Aircraft Mechanic job in Atlanta or the metro area.
Money coming to me
Dolls sold
Pills sold
New friends
Old friends
New beginnings

Gratitudes and more

2009-02-05T15:11:00.002-05:00

Gratitudes for Tues, Wed, Thurs:

Bills paid
Meditations
Weight loss
Incoming money
Unexpected checks
Help from strangers
Unexpected windfalls
Love
random acts of kindness
Work
Careers
Choosing wisely
Living, breathing
Music
Nature
Stars
Supportive people
Warm weather
Time with a loved one
Being in love
Sharing
Entertainment
Shopping
Dessert
Financial Freedom
Brotherly/Sisterly Love
Caring People
Reliable Transportation
Color
Beautiful art
Smaller jeans
Great haircuts
Creativity
Sun
Fun
Dance/music
Books
Quiet
Good movies
Time with friends
Quality
Great customer service
Passion
Memories
Vintage
Victorian Times
Working computers
Awesome cell phones
Cool shoes
Different cultures
Airplanes
Facebook
Internet
Spirituality
Babies
Sleep
Comfort
Toys
Exercise
Burning fat
Food
*****************
I have been meditating. I get very light headed.

I dreamed about a beautiful huge house with the coolest floor plan but the floor was wet and there were water stains on the walls and ceilings. An old lady was the owner. There was a florist shop nearby and they carried the most beautiful flowers and arrangements.

From Now On....

2009-02-03T13:14:00.002-05:00

Meditate(I will wake up .30 mins early to meditate)
Have an energy job(what kind of energy do I want to sent out)
Have a job for the day (goal to accomplish)
Focus my heart on jobs of today
Forgive people in my life and send them love

I am prosperous, I am love

2009-02-02T12:47:00.003-05:00

I have an appointment with the minister of the church tomorrow, I can't wait!!!

***************************
Monday's Gratitude
I'm grateful I paid my rent
I'm grateful I am prosperous
I'm grateful for the love I receive
I'm grateful for the people I meet
I'm grateful my dreams are coming true
I'm grateful our health is great
I'm grateful my hunny is no longer drinking
I'm grateful my hunny is no longer depressed
I'm grateful my hunny wants to improve
I'm gratrful my hunny is in my life

*********************************
Sunday's Gratitude:
I'm grateful for my church. It is the best!
I'm grateful for the ministers of the church and the wisdom they share
I'm grateful that the money came
I'm grateful that my bills are paid
I'm grateful that my heart chakra is open

Day 5 Change your mind, Change your life

2009-01-31T17:47:00.003-05:00

**Manifested: Doll head is done, he will be put together tomorrow and ready for sale.

I have the home of my dreams completely paid for! I am having a great time decorating it, so much to choose from. In the yard the pool is completed and the girls' swing set looks great, the garden is coming along too I can't wait till all the flowers are in bloom.

My dolls are selling fast! 3 dolls per week and paid in full immediately. My weight loss business is blooming, the product is great and it works! I got more than 300 customers. This success allows me to be home when the girls get home from school. They love that!

Money is abundant and we are able to travel any where in the world. We have financial freedom.

I am volunteering every chance I get and it brings me great joy. I love how a few hours of volunteering helps so many people and makes my heart light.

The girls are doing great! Alexandra's speech is better every day. Her vocabulary is growing and improving every day. Yasmin's grades are awesome and her math has improved significantly. Kayla continues to do great too, she has reached her goal of being #1 in her class.

The guy in my life has found a great job in Atlanta with an awesome pay and they are even paying for him to go to helicopter pilot school. I have never seen him so happy! This will assure him a job doing what his ultimate goal is: to fix and fly helicopters. He quit smoking and is healthier than ever.

Our relationship continues to grow and get stronger, we are very much in love.

Our health is great! We are a happy family, united and in love.

I continue on my path to grow spiritually. I have recently become a spiritual counselor. This is where my biggest passion lies. I love listening to people and helping them find their way to a better self and life.

Life can not get any better. We are very grateful!!

Day 3/100

2009-01-29T22:41:00.002-05:00

Grateful for:
Have most of the doll's head rooted
Inches and pounds lost
The girls' dad is involved in their lives
My guy
Strengthening my manifestation abilities
Bills are paid
Roof over our heads
The food we eat
Our health
The new life I am manifesting

I am feeling energized. I was meditating and one of my girls came and grabbed my leg and pulled me out.

Manifesting:
Win the Mega Millions Friday January 30th 2009
The return of my money from paypal to my account by Sunday morning.
Finish the doll by Monday
Loose 5+lbs by Thursday 2-5-09
Find 3+ clients for my diet business
Sell the boy doll by Friday 2-6-09

Season 1 Day 1 of the 100 days of Manifestation

2009-01-27T20:59:00.002-05:00

I am working on a list of things I want to manifest in 100 days:

Manifest BIG Money
Debt Free
Sell 3+ dolls per week paid in cash
Attract and keep 300+ happy customers to my company
Loose 40+ lbs
Strengthen my relationship
Grow spiritually
Meditate more
Journal
Travel

*I am turning this blog into a positive blog. I will no longer write about negative things in my life. I will focus on positive*

New Business Idea

2009-01-22T15:27:00.001-05:00

I am starting a second business. Cleaning homes with a twist .... no am not going to be naked. Don't want copy cats so I am keeping quiet for now.

Still Looking

2009-01-17T17:22:00.002-05:00

Still looking for a job. I have been turned down from a small job agency. So I will look for a bigger and older company and hope for the best. 6 months looking for a job.

What's New?

2009-01-12T19:48:00.002-05:00

Went to temp agency today and we'll see how she can help me. Still need a plan to market the dolls, the ex told me of a man who has a doll store and I could possibly work with him to sell my dolls and he is moving nearby so who knows and he hires me too! haha one can dream right?

Lost 3 lbs last week that's cool considering that I rarely exercised.

Am getting my feet wet with dating we'll see how that goes.

New Year

2009-01-04T19:00:00.004-05:00

It is a new year and I can't wait to see what this year will bring me. I am back to looking for a job.

I am back from the hole

2008-12-18T12:27:00.002-05:00

I am not a depressive person but this thing hit me bad. I cried myself to sleep every night. I have not done that since I was married to the first husband. Even going to school is not easy. I am trying to gather the papers so I can start in January.

Beautiful Happy Little Faces

2008-12-15T12:38:00.002-05:00

Volunteering to help the church bring toys and baby food for the children. There were about 12 of us and to see their little happy faces was awesome. We got hugs from them all. It was great!!

A New Day....

2008-12-13T11:06:00.002-05:00

..A new begining...I hope.

I have been feeling blue. I feel sort of lost. I feel there is sooo much I can do and should do but I can't get it done, like I am at a standstill.

I am being offered a house to rent at the same rate I am paying here which is great, it is a cute home, large fenced yard, only one bathroom am ok with that, the kitchen is great and the living room too, washer and dryer. There is a sun room which the girls can use as the play room. The down side no car port or garage, I would have to move the girls again from school and town. I love where I am but where am I ever going to find a house for that price in a good neighborhood. lots of amenities nearby, a park and library and lots of shopping. Writting it down like this it does seem like a good choice. The girls will not be happy and that breaks my heart. It is very tempting. What to do? What to do?

Single

2008-12-11T20:09:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I will officially become a single woman. Saying it out loud is not as much fun as I thought it would be. Single is lonely for some of us that feel comfort in sharing our lives with someone of the opposite sex who can act as a best friend, partner, sidekick, lover, confidant, supporter. Someone to cuddle with, travel with, have fun with, plan a future with, reach goals with, grow with and grow old with. Someone with a career, can cry, has a kind heart, is a great dad, hard working and more. Next time I will not settle I want my Mr as close to perfect as I can get and I hope that I am his Mrs as close to perfect as he can get.

Hoping and wishing and....

Blue

2008-12-11T08:36:00.002-05:00

Has been my color this week. Why? I don't know I am not a depressed person if I feel sad I get busy to get rid of it and this week it has been hard. I think I know what happened. Today I feel much better.

I was on a roller coaster in one area of my life but I took care of that last night so today is a new day full of new goals.

On the exercise dept I finally worked out today after a few days of not.

Hmmm

2008-12-09T08:55:00.002-05:00

The second husband called that he was in the neighborhood and wanted to come see me. He is not giving up. Of course he comes with tales of doing better and finally finding a good counselor. Wanting to bring the girls gifts for Christmas and asking me what I want. I don't want anything from him I was already thinking he was a figment of my imagination and I think the girls were getting better at realizing we are not together anymore. The oldest was very happy to see him. The middle one could care less. The little one sees him of more of a dad than her own dad so she was happy. I was not. I don't want him to think that he has a chance, I think he believes he does. He hurt me too much and I have no feelings for him. I am glad he has found someone to counsel him but there was more wrong with the relation than just his anger. We are not compatible at all. I outgrew him. I am constantly growing and he likes to stay where he is. There is no way I will go back with him. He is in for a rude awakening. I don't want to cause him pain but he is setting himself up for it.

OK 2 week update!

2008-12-02T22:10:00.003-05:00

Here are my measurements:
------------------2 weeks
Bust 44.5 - 44
Waist 40.75 - 39
Hips 43.0 - 42.25
Arm L 15 - 15
Arm R 16 - 15
Calf L 17.5 - 15.5
Calf R 17.5 - 17
Weight 202 - 195

I have been very good!! I don't think I will go back. I know how food affects me I know after 20 yrs of trying to loose weight I finally have learned what works for me and I am doing it.

I am still excited about life and the thing I mentioned before that I cannot talk about, it has been a bit of a roller coaster but I am hanging on and going with the flow, if it is meant to be (and I soooo hope it is) it will be. This ____ appeared in my meditation so it is a confirmation that things will go well. I am so excited! I wish I could talk about it but I want things to be more concrete before telling.

I am counting down to December 12th as the soon to be ex calls it "D" day. Divorce final. Who wants to party with me?!!

I am involved in helping my church help some families that need baby food and formula more info about that soon.

Have a great day!

Update!

2008-11-29T21:11:00.003-05:00

I know I am late. I have good news! I have lost 7 lbs! I have exercised everyday.

I don't have my measurements; I will do those tomorrow. I do know that my pants are fitting better and my face shows progress.

In other news: Thanksgiving was good the girls dad and I did not go at it. I cooked ate and then I left him to clean the mess. LOL!

Have been doing something I have not posted about and I have a great feeling about this last happening and I want to share it sooo bad but I can't. Not yet.

The ex returned the youngest early and my weekend of rest and relaxation was cut short. ... Oh who am I kidding I am so happy she is with me! I get to have fun again. I miss my girls, the weekend was too long.

I will log in tomorrow and edit this post with my measurements.

Oh Dear!

2008-11-18T08:47:00.001-05:00

I have not heard from the job at the hospital and the other job turned out to be a pyramid type of thing. So I decided to take my doll business and turn it into my prime income. I am contacting some doll stores and thinking of other ways to advertise the business and make a few dolls and keep them in my website. Ebay is charging too much for listings I am loosing money.

In other news I have gained weight (10 lbs). Tsk Tsk I thought I was loosing weight and after getting a new battery for the scale; HOLY COW!! 10 bloody pounds!!!

Today I start this poo over again. I am eating God Made Foods and Will do TTAPP.

So here are my stats:

Bust 44.5 Waist 40.75 Hips 43.0 Arm L 15 Arm R 16 Calf L 17.5 Calf R 17.5 Weight 202 Size 14
Picture:

I will be posting in one week, that is: November 24th

Latest

2008-11-10T09:14:00.002-05:00

I got 2 job interviews! Friday and tomorrow. The one tomorrow I am excited about I will be working with newborn babies! Awww

Things are moving along. Social Security says I made 400$ last month and will cut the check in half. The 101$ I get for foodstamps for 4 people don't help with much.

Fingers crossed I get this job and start to breathe again.

Date Moved!!

2008-10-29T18:10:00.002-04:00

The divorce date has been moved to December 12!!

Keeping optimistic about finding a job!

How the days fly

2008-10-22T21:44:00.002-04:00

He agreed to sign as long as he was the beneficiary so I accepted and the divorce date is January 8th 2009.

I am still hunting for a job and the weight, well up again :0(
Waking up in sweats and breathing hard. I think the stress is getting to me I also see a bill envelope and hyperventilate very scary.

I have joined a friend site like My Space I guess and I have had friend requests from young guys I am over 30 and the oldest was an 18 yr old (I declined) so I have a few 21 and 25 and some in their early 30s. I have been called a MILF which I found super funny. The 21 yr olds say I look 23 which I have heard before from older people. One is in LOVE with me (yah whatever).

This is too much fun and very entertaining. LOL

'Till next time

Long Days

2008-09-28T21:31:00.003-04:00

I am still married believe it or not. This is taking too long and with the gas shortage it is scary to go anywhere. And the court is one hour away so I will be married for a bit longer.

I have lost 8 lbs this week. Woo Hoo!! I am back on the weight loss horse!!

I am on the stress diet.

What a Week!

2008-09-18T20:53:00.003-04:00

The youngest got an ear infection so there went my job hunting, school visiting, court house visiting down the drain, she was out Monday and Tuesday and then on Thursday she had a Doctor's appointment.

When I stepped out of the elevator at the childrens hospital medical building I saw this very cute guy. I went back into the lobby with the excuse to buy my daughter a snack and drink but it was also to see him again. When I came out of the building I saw him again. I so wanted to give him my business card. On my way to the car while thinking about the fact that I should have been brave enough to give him my business card I realized he was in a wheelchair. He has the most beautiful eyes.

So if destiny has led you here drop me a line. Jokers need not apply.

So now to Dalialand I have decided to divorce him and not ask for anything to walk away with nothing. This way I can move on with my life. He stopped helping me financially back in July so this is it. I sort of hate to let greed win but I guess one could see my asking for what's legally mine as greed. God is providing for me and I trust that I will continue to be provided for.

I hate that I may not see Sammy the dog again.

I have a business idea. I am super excited about it.

Drum Roll Please

2008-09-12T20:31:00.002-04:00

It turns out the house was purchased 2 months before we got married so all I would get is 5k. When I called the mr he freaked out and said I do not deserve that money and he worked for it. I helped pay for all that. So we hung up mad ( I was shaking). He called back and left a message because I would not answer the phone. He said he realized just then that he does have an anger problem and he should have listened to me about it.

I am not on the house loan but I am on the deed.

Social security sent a check and will continue to send one as long as I keep them updated on the divorce proceedings and the house dealings.

I saw the ex a while back to get my things out of the house. He showed me all the new stuff he's gotten, then says he feels bad because he knows what I am going through and then he started quoting the bible about divorce.

and blah blah blah............

I know in my soul that THIS TOO SHALL PASS.....

When one window closes......

2008-09-01T22:18:00.002-04:00

...Doors open.

At this point social security is a good as denied because I am still married and we own a house together.

I went to the courthouse right after the phone call. I got an appointment legal aid lawyer this week. Tomorrow I am going for food stamps. I pray they don't do the same as the SS people.

I saw the Mr to finish getting my things out of the house. He showed me all the new things he has purchased and made sure he showed me where it says on the bible that God does not like divorce and read me a few things. He also made a point to let me know that he has paid me enough money to not have to pay me anymore. I paid him 600$ per month with sweat and tears because I could barely afford it and it never paid the debt, it kept accumulating I was really supposed to pay him over 800$ but 600 was all I could sweat out.

He will have a horrible time if the judge says he has to pay me alimony and my half of the house. I am leaving all this to God. Either way I will be happy. If he has to pay I may need a restraining order. We have owned the house for 3 yrs and he has paid a little over 1,000$ per month but he figures that all went to interest so he has only paid 7,000$ to the mortgage or something like that he has it all figured out and he will be very disappointed when the judge calculates it the legal way not the Mr's way.

Ready for this? He says he is really sorry that I am going through this and he also mentioned that he has sent me hateful thoughts and ill wishes. I wonder where on the bible it says it is ok to do that? I also asked him if the bible said something about taking care of your wife or does it just say that women have no say and should not speak, just stay home and raise children, he sure enjoyed that part of the bible specially on days when he would go on about how God does not exist.

Really, my faith is huge. I will survive this. I have all the faith in the universe.

My dear friend got a job back home. Even though we did not see each other often this person has been a super friend a great comfort in my life and the fact that we will be so far away (2hrs) I can't help but to miss you a lot. I wish you my friend the best in this new venture. I hope to see you back on this side of GA soon.

And to all my friends old and new who pray for me and cheer me on. I thank you. I will see you all on the other side of this with a big smile on my face.

My friend Alex signed his email Simba and this warmed my heart. I have no idea how we started calling eachother Simba and Nala or why but we did and it was great to see that again. I signed my reply: Nala.

To be continued.......

Love,
Nala

Oh Dear!

2008-08-21T21:43:00.002-04:00

I went to a lawyer that not only charged 350.$ for a consultation which was pro rated down to 168.00, they want to charge me almost 8k to represent me in the divorce. Would not even answer to the fact that the mr wants to take the tv and all other things that go with it. Crazy, Crazy!! a few more hundreds and I could get my daughter the speech device she needs.

I want a lawyer that will say "yes, this is how I can help you!" or "this is what can happen and I will help you by...."

The Mr wants an uncontested divorce. He wants me to resign to the house and not ask for alimony. Legally I am entitled to half of the house. I am cosidering just signing the papers. That will completely cut off that drama. His negativity will not enter my house or my bank account.

I trust God has amazing opportunities coming my way. I can do w/o. It would be nice to have it but my life doesn't depend on it.

I am very capable independent and resourcefull and completely trust that my life will improve in so many ways I will be overwhelmed with joy and I will have so many plans and wonderful people to execute them with. My daughters will have opportunities that will enhance their lives in every way. We will have the best life we can imagine. We are already abundant and having a wonderful time together.

I am grateful for all that I have, for all that is coming to my life. For all the lessons I learn everyday. For the strenght that drives me everyday to get up and get going. For the protection I am blessed with everyday (and my girls too). Because my life is abundant, we have a roof over our heads, food to nurish us, love to warm our hearts and laughter to fill our hearts with joy. The bank account still has money, bills are getting paid effortlessly. I am grateful for the money I receive no matter how I get it (it is all legal, you really don't think...).

No worries, this is an adventure. I have the starring role in this and a happy ending is in sight. The writer and director would not want to disappoint you.

Stay tuned as my life unfolds in ways I could have never imagined.

Update

2008-08-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

I am all moved in. 2 of 3 have started the school year super happy. I have an appointment for the youngest school.

The Mr called me today and asked if I thought this was ending in divorce and I said yes and he said he has a lawyer already and is going to fight alimony which he has paid this past month.

He says that when he tells people why I left they scoff and can't believe that was it? he is only telling him that he got mad and threw the dog in the cage down the stairs and he got mad at the grocery store and threw his walkie talkie; oh poor thing, that's all!? he makes it sound so innocent. Did he mentioned that he had him pressed between his legs while he was pulling the dogs snout apart? did he? how about that the dog defecated himself while he was doing this and crying and because me struggling and begging him to let him go was not enough he also had to kick the cage and then throw it down two flights of stairs and then picked up the cage and threw it out the door to the garage.

Did he also mentioned that he was angry at the super market because he was tired from work. Did he mentioned how he had previously hurt the dog by pressing his neck down to the floor. How about how everyone is out to get him and he stopped taking his meds and when he says things he doesn't remember them and it is not that he doesn't remember them is that we never had the conversation. He doesn't think women have a right to anything. He seems to love that the bible says that a woman is to keep quiet in the temple. He is a caveman at heart. He wanted me to stay home he supported that. When I mentioned me going to school he was not happy because his insecurity told him I was going to leave him.

Did he mention how high maintenance he is, even if he hammers a nail I have to pet him on the head and tell him good boy and celebrate it.

Did he mentioned how demeaning he can be by teaching my father how to use a drill. My father is 68 yrs old and has built many things. He even asked me one day if I knew what the lines on the streets are for...he got offended when I said it doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Did he mentioned how pessimistic and negative he is and how he has to win every conversation. How he doesn't see the purpose of traveling to see new things and learn new cultures.

He says I did not give him any warning. What about all the conversations we had where he got too defensive to continue. How he has 2 personalities the one that kindly offered to help me with money and the one that called today and just like that is not going to help me. The evil one comes out more often or after saying something nice he poops on it by saying something hurtfull.

Did he mentioned that after the last dog thing I started to see the psychologist because I was traumatized? that I contacted the psychologist with having marital problems. I asked him to come and found a thousand and one reasons why not. Oh now he seeing someone.

He fooled me when we met, I only saw the nice. He said he was going to church; I think he went twice and that was to impress me and no more. He said his family was close and that could not have been further from the truth. If his brother did not call him he would not call him because he did not want to hear him. His dad has cancer and he would not call him either and said that if he dies it would take a load off his shoulders.

Now he is sweet, loving, calmed; which is creepy to me because I know that is not him and today evil- his true self.

I would love to get an annulment.

I have a lawyer too and tomorrow is my consultation.

To Be Continued......

A whole month of changes

2008-07-29T18:09:00.002-04:00

I moved out. Yes! I did it. What a time of tension planning my exit. Hulk took it better than I thought. He won't give me the divorce though or so he says. I am hoping he finds some girl to shake her stuff to him and may be he will be looking for the papers to sign.

I got a nice 2 bedroom apartment in the town I wanted. I am still working the details of schools and looking for a job and day care and after school care for the older girls. Still have to find someone to help me with my youngest child school and placement.

It is wonderful. We are laughing and having a great time being ourselves.

I am grateful for all the abundance I receive daily.

The End is Near

2008-06-27T12:33:00.003-04:00

I got the divorce papers. I still can't find a way to tell Hulk. I tried and tried but he is a defensive listener and I don't know how he will react. He was all for it when he brought it up twice but I don't know how he will react when I bring it up.

His friend from work is getting a divorce and hulk was saying some things about it ( like the know it all he think he is). I just hope he remembers what he said when I bring the papers up to him or tell him.

I am done with my first class and this second one is killing me, lots more to do and read. With everything that is going on I am thinkin g of taking a break.

I have lost 14 lbs!! woo hoo!!

Enough is Enough

2008-06-15T08:44:00.002-04:00

The Mr had one of his Hulk moments. It is weird but he actually is like the Hulk. In the Mr's case the smallest thing will set him off. Things like looking at his watch and realizing he is at the grocery store when it is time for him to be home getting ready for bed. YES! that set him in to The Hulk and even threw his walkie talkie while waiting in line to check out and walked away (there is a little more to the story but I don't feel like writting it all). The point is when he gets mad he turns into something very scary.

Well, this time was the last. I am leaving Hulk. I cannot go through not knowing what is going to set him off. Having to tip toe around him and all the work that comes with living with a person like him. I am carefully planning my exit.

There is some good news in this storm. I have lost another 3 lbs for a total of 9 lbs. I am back in onederland!

Next week will be the end of my first class. I start English Comp. The following week.

I did something I had never done before; I cried in front of a friend. You have to understand that even at my worse witht he ex not even my parents saw me cry. This was very embarrassing to me but he was awesome and made me laugh and was very sweet. I hadn't experienced that before. It felt good. I wish we had been in the same room instead of on webcam. To you my friend if you are reading this. THANK YOU!! I am actually glad you were there.

Alright!

2008-06-07T22:56:00.003-04:00

Since my last post I have lost 6 lbs! Woo hoo! those were truly stress pounds. I can see it in my face and neck, my stomach also. I made the mistake of telling my mother and she said to continue so when she comes to visit in October she cannot recognize me and then she had the nerve to say: make me happy. ok baby, I love you!

Bucket please, I need to throw up. My weight problem bothers her but my brothers inability to be resposible with his money does not?! they just gave him their 4 yr old Toyota Camry and for the past 13 yrs they have taken out loans, to pay for his mistakes. My guess is they are rewarding him for his bankrupsy. While I was being abused by my ex husband they told me not to divorce him and I deserved what I was getting for not being a "good wife". For example my weight. I deserved what I was getting because I was not losing weight and my ex husband wanted a thin wife.

Back to business, that was a nice vent.

School is going great my average is 88.6, some times I feel like I have no life. I actually do. I am always busy. The girls make sure I have plenty to do. I took time to reborn again and here is the result. http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v476/MysticstarD/?action=view&current=Jenna014.jpg and http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v476/MysticstarD/?action=view&current=Jenna017.jpg

My garden is growing (the one on the deck) the one in the front of the house was destroyed by the drought. There are some signs of life and I am happy about that.

I have an interest in photography and I took time to take a few and here is my favorite. http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v476/MysticstarD/?action=view&current=baby006.jpg

and also http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v476/MysticstarD/?action=view&current=baby008.jpg

The Mr. is playing with his meds and acting like an 11 yr old boy. Playing pranks and making fun of everything. He will not stop talking. He still gets angry if I don't laugh at every single joke he makes. His brain has not improved he still forgets conversations we had less than 24 hrs ago. Watching a movie he keeps talking and asking questions because he is not paying attention.

I went to the psychologist and mentioned to the Mr and he says he does not trust anyone; only me. This made me laugh, he has voiced many times he does not trust anyone...even me.

I have a dear friend will be needing a roommate and I am very close to doing it. I am actually looking at the town and daycare. child care is very expensive. I would be working to pay for it and that makes no sense.

Phew! you will be glad to know I am done.

I hope y'all have a great week. Until next time.

Back and Forth

2008-05-18T14:04:00.002-04:00

The Forth: I am offically in school and doing very well.

The Back: I have gained 8 pounds! despite that I have been exercising at least 5 days for one hour.

Still going to the shrink. I like it I get to talk and someone listens and talks back.

Told the Mr about school and he reacted supportively with a very unhappy tone of voice.

Bummer of the week: I did not win the 196 megamillion dollars. I had sooo many plans for that money. One person in Ohio. I hope this person really deserve that money and will use it wisely.

I will get my chance one of these days.

I was thinking of doing a weight loss video diary on you tube. I will be exposed to millions of people. If that doesn't motivate me I don't know what will.

The Mr and I are getting along.

Lonely

2008-04-23T13:41:00.005-04:00

It is amazing how one can be in a house with 4 other people and feel so lonely.

I talk to my husband but he is not listening. I want to paint the kitchen cabinets and add some more cabinets to the kitchen but he just says ok and doesn't even look at me and I am wondering what the heck am I doing? this marriage is still not on solid ground. Do I really want to invest in a home that I will be leaving, then again I can take the new cabinets with me.

I think of ways to tell him about school but I know he won't say anything and later he will give me a scolding for taking loans to pay for school.

I am looking forward to my appointment tomorrow with the psychotherapist. I have so much I want to get off my chest, so much in fact that may be my DDs will go down to a C (LOL)

Later my lovelies

Moving Forward

2008-04-15T22:18:00.002-04:00

School begins on the 5th of May.

Psychotherapist appointment on April 24.

I spent an hour on the elliptical trainer.

I am back on ETL. I feel lots better, my skin looks great.

An old friend from HS found me and I am thrilled it's been 15 yrs since we last saw eachother.

I am in a 60 day contest to lose weight. It is working as far as motivation. I will win a spa getaway to Florida.

I was told by my youngest's OT that it is a good idea for her to go to pre-k. I was not expecting that so now I am looking for a pre-k.

And this is what's happening in my world.

Another one

2008-04-10T14:54:00.003-04:00

The Mr came home upset again and yelled at one of my daughters for just standing next to me. I got upset and walked away. He became more upset because I walked away. When I tried to talk to him I told him that he did not used to be upset all the time. I reminded him that one time a psychiatrist mention that he is bipolar and may be he is and he should talk to someone. He got offended that I said he is crazy and asked why I had not brought this up before. I had but he said that all psychiatrists would do is take his money and give him more meds. He said we had never had this conversation.

This let to a lot of this because he never remembers conversations or he remembers parts of it and some parts he doesn't. The worst of it is that he doesn't admit that he doesn't remember he just sais I am crazy because we never had the converstion. This led him to tell me to move out and then he calmed down and decided to go to therapy to which I said I would do that too because I need to know how to cope with his illness.

Can't believe it's been almost a month since my last post.

2008-04-03T13:17:00.003-04:00

I am going to start online school!! woo hoo!! This is a dream come true for me.

The husband and I are working things out. He said he is ok with me not taking his name. Then he nearly killed our dog Sam. He came home mad and the dog did something and he took his anger out on him. I am not going into the details because I don't want to remember that night. The girls freaked out. He apologized.

Sam is doing good.

I have not being the same since.

I am at 200.0 lbs

Topsy Turvy

2008-03-09T21:46:00.001-04:00

I gained weight this last week (+2). I cannot stop eating. With Eat to Live I was over all that so I will be combining both. I have done well with the exercise and I have lost inches. But this all day hunger is stressing me.

The Mr and I tried to patch things up but since the "D" word was brought up it is still hovering in the air and won't go away so we are officially separated. You just cannot take it back after you put it out there, it makes everything change.

I got a number for a counselor and I will be calling tomorrow.

Disillusioned

2008-03-04T21:06:00.002-05:00

That is one of the feelings I am going through right now. I always thought I would marry one man and that was going to be it. Now, I am divorcing my second husband.

I want a marriage with a man who will be my partner, my bestfriend, my lover someone with whom I can feel safe, someone that will give as much as he takes, a marriage where we can both express and exchange our points of view w/o one having to be right. Where we are secure enough to spend time appart as well as time together. Where we can support eachother with our goals, where we share the same family and life values and have similar interests.

I want a family where old traditions are carried on and new ones are made. I want a mother in law (no, I am not crazy). I want nieces and nephews and bros and sis in law. I want thanksgivings and Christmases and mother's days where there are a lot of family members around and even if some don't get along they still come to eat grandmas' food. I used to have this until I got married and moved out of state and I miss it like crazy. I want a family that goes to church and pray together. I would like to have one more child.

Why can't I have this? will I ever have this? I have 3 children, this is my second marriage and that will make it harder to be in a new relationship. Not that I want to be in one right now but I like to experience the mentioned above before I die.

It is official

2008-03-03T21:38:00.002-05:00

The Mr woke me up early this morning to ask me if I feel like we are growing appart.

D: "Yes"

Mr: "Why?"

D: " You come home angry all the time and after you vent and I listen and then try to be a friend you go to sleep"

Mr: "Well, why haven't you said anything"

D: "I have and you get defensive and/or ignore me"

Mr: "That is the way I am and I am not going to change!"

D: " I am not asking you to change"

Mr: "Another thing is that you don't want to change your last name"

D:"I like my last name, it is my identity and I am the girls' mom and your wife and that is the only thing I have left that is mine that is part of who I am and it reminds me of where I came from. I don't want to loose that"

Mr: " I know your name with your last name sounds beautiful and if you change it to mine it will look and sound like a flower in cow poop*" *not his exact words

D:"If I change it I will not be happy; I will be only doing it for you and I will be resentful"

Mr: " I want a divorce" Got up and left the room.

After coming home from work, he mentioned twice "if you decide to leave me..."

I am in survival mode now. Plan and act.

Alright

2008-03-02T21:32:00.002-05:00

Lost! 2lbs, this Weight Watchers thing may work after all.

I am going to post my weekly goals here and then come back and check them off.

My goals for the week are:

Exercise everyday 50 min
Eat 23 points
Get my transcripts from GMI
Win some money (he he he)
One sea salt bath

After The Mr offered me the bigger tax return check and I thanked him from the bottom of my heart he took it back! He makes close to 60k and I make 19k, he claims my 3 children from a previous marriage and he wants to keep the taxes so he can buy another Satellite radio, then at night he asked me what I wanted done. If I tell him I want some of it he will throw this in my face and will find ways to complaint and will try to make me feel guilty and will whine till the end of the world. If I tell him he can keep it I will feel sad but I will get over it, I mean it is not like this is everyday money and I rather not hear him whining so I said you can keep it. He ended up giving me the bigger check but I asked him several times if he is sure because I don't want him coming back to hunt me with the whining and the guilt and ......... and he said he won't do that. So I will be sending most of the money to my loan and keep some for the girls' expenses.

Well see what happens.

He did tell me last Friday that I am getting cold hearted, that for the last 6 months or more he has noticed this and asked my oldest if she has noticed this and she said no.

Update

2008-02-27T22:24:00.002-05:00

I started Weight Watchers; a friend mentioned it to me and my doctor recommended it so I started the points system on Saturday. Starting weight 202.5.

I am still working on the school thing. I got my questions ready for my interview tomorrow. Hopefully I get financial aid and I can get started soon.

The Mr got home yesterday so upset I nearly took the girls and left, I felt like leaving. I am so tired of his anger fuled by problems that are not that big and can be solved but no matter how many solutions I give him he finds that none will help so ..... you are on your on buddy.

The girls like him, the little one calls him daddy and the oldest looks up to him but the middle one has never really liked him. I don't want them to take the wrath of his anger because someone cut him off in traffic today. His negative energy puts me in an emotional state that I can't handle. He might be an emotional vampire.

How can you break up with someone who thinks you are perfect or is he just saying it to butter me up. He did say that I have changed, that I am cold and I started behaving like this last summer. Out of a list of pros and cons I got only two pros and a ton of cons.

I really don't want to have a second divorce but I am not going to sacrifice myself.

I feel very peaceful inside about my plans.

Wish me luck.

Noooo!

2008-02-16T21:17:00.003-05:00

Today I am back up to 201! how did this happen?! If I lost weight the same way I gain it I would be a skeleton by now. ARG!!! so frustrating.

Onederland Baby!

2008-02-13T21:22:00.004-05:00

198.5!! WOO HOO!!!

In the words of my 6 yr old: Bring on the dancing tubas!!

Hard work is paying off, that is 2 lbs lost this week and we still have 3 more days.

I have to confess that I did tear up when I saw the number. This is a huge milestone for me.

Thank you so much to all my angels.

********

Vision Board is filling up. I started a journal and I picked this particular one because on the cover is the phrase:

It is never too late to become what you might have been

by George Elliot.

This really spoke to me because it is where I am.

Getting the show on the road

2008-02-12T21:44:00.001-05:00

I went to the store and got some materials to start a vision board to remind me of where I want be. I have a picture of a Nurse and my exercise schedule. When I there is something I want to achieve I will find a pic or print the paragraph and place it on the board and then I will work very hard to make it happen.

I exercised today I set up the elliptical trainer to the hardest setting I can stand and did 5 minutes, I would have taken me 40 minutes on an easier level. Then I did my tush exercises.

I want to clean my life of clutter and that includes people that because of their own failures do not want to see me succeed. I wish I knew how because these people are my husband and my parents.

I am at 200.0

Time to focus on other things

2008-02-11T22:04:00.000-05:00

On my title I wrote Transforming Dalia and the blog being about me transforming every part of my life, so far it has been my weight the part that I concentrate the most because I fee is my biggest change.

My marriage(this is my second one) is not going good. I am not going into details right now because I will be here all night but one of the major issues is that he is not supporting me with my biggest dream which is going to school and get a degree and a career. I got married the first time at 21 and never made it to school but I neve lost hope. In 2002 I attempted to go and nearly graduated but I did not do the last 2 steps required to graduate.

My Finances: The Mr and I have separate accounts and he doesn't pay for anything of mine and I do pay a percentage per month for utilities. So lately I have wondered if we do not have a common bank account then we should not file for taxes together. The Mr. makes good money and because of this I will more than likely be denied financial aid. He is not happy with my rebelion; first I do not change my last name and now I want to file taxes separate. Well boo hoo.

Me: I survived an abusive marriage. I must have not passed the test completely because husband #2 can be controlling among other things. He treats me lots better than hubby #1 but the bad can be very heavy on me. How do I do it? I have faith, I 100% believe that a person is not given what they cannot handle, there is always something to learn and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I take things as they come and I do not obsess on just one thing for that just brings me down. I also have 3 children that will take my mind off of anything and make me smile again.

I feel like I have a good hold on the eating healthy so it is time to work on other parts. I have been looking at schools and financial aids and grants. Spiritually I want to grow more. I want to be fiancially independent, I want to have a social life, I want to be successfull in everything I do.

Update

2008-02-08T20:31:00.001-05:00

I am doing great! the only thing is that I am only loosing 1 lb per week and I wish it was more but I guess 'tis better to drop than gain so I am happy. I did go back up to 202 and this morning I am back down to 200 so I am looking forward to Onederland.

Well, Well, Well

2008-01-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

I am back to 202.5 and having a hard time going back down to 199.0 and less. Exercise is the hardest thing for me to get into but I am doing some just not as much as I would like to but if I do too much I get hungry.

Another one removed

2008-01-14T08:34:00.000-05:00

199 is my new number! Finally Onederland!

Since learning the meaning of TOXIC HUNGER I am having a better time at stopping to check my hunger before I eat.

Most of the time is toxic hunger and when I do have real hunger I eat a salad or a smoothie or a big plate of veggies. Water has become my best friend.

My skin looks great, my finger nails are growing strong no more feeling lethargic. If I eat anything with preservatives I get a headache and feel like going to sleep.

Another Woo Hoo

2008-01-12T20:16:00.000-05:00

As of this morning I am at 200 lbs! and 2 lbs away from -20lbs.

Woo Hoo

2008-01-11T23:46:00.000-05:00

I am down to 201lbs. This is the lowest I have been in 2 yrs.

BMI 33.4

Arm 14 3/4
Bust 44
Waist 39
Hips 43

New Year!

2008-01-01T10:03:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to All!

I am starting the year back at 202.0 lbs. After reaching this weight and then gaining up to 206 I am back to the lowest I have been since starting ETL.

So it is a new year with a new start. My goal right now is 182lbs.

Biggest Loser starts tonight and so I will be doing a biggest loser of my own here at home and pretend I am in the show.

I am also in a T Tapp boot camp until April 1st and at cafemom.com for support and a little competition.

Here are my stats:

JANUARY 1, 2008

Weight: 202 lbs
BMI: 33.6

Arms 15.5
Bust 44.5
Waist 40
Hips 44

SAY NO TO TOXIC HUNGER

Back to Square One

2007-12-18T21:44:00.001-05:00

I have not gained it all but I have gone up to 206 by last Sunday, today I am down again to 204. I got rid of the baking ingredients I had in the house; no sugar, no flour etc....

Right now I want to concentrate on losing 50 lbs. I think that will be the hardest time, once I get to 154 I will have conquered it all and I will be half way there.

The first 50 is an up hill battle and the last 50 will be easier.

JUST SAY NO TO REFINED CARBS

It's been rough

2007-12-13T20:42:00.000-05:00

I have been at this for almost 3 weeks and I have lost 4lbs. I have cheated, felt super guilty and gotten back on the horse.

I want to be able to just stay on the darn horse!! So I can do this permanently! Why do I cheat?! I tell my self no a million times before I go ahead an eat it! Yesterday saw a fruit salad at the restaurant and no I had to go for the chicken fingers and creamed corn and mac and cheese! then I feel like crap; physically and emotionally.

I feel stuck! I was 215 before I had lap band surgery and almost 6months later I am still in the 200's. I loose 1 lb and gain 3?!

I am stronger than these, I cannot let this keep ruling my life. I have plans and things to do and A LIFE TO LIVE!

Angel

2007-12-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

I have been an angel today, all by-the-book. I gained 3 lbs and I am hoping to loose it by Thursday. I still have to get in the habit of working out.

I would love to get in a Biggest Loser habit of working out every chance I have.

My husband is joining me, lets see how long he lasts.

In other news I am feeling depressed about the sell of my dolls these dolls supplement my income and they are taking forever to sell.

I want to become a seller in a company like Avon but I don't know who is going to watch the girls since my husband has to be at work by 4am he goes to bed early and I have no family near to watch them for me.

Where there is a will there is a way so I will keep planning and thinking.

Oh Boy!!

2007-12-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

Friday December 7, 2007

Oh what a day! I have screwed up big time! I have been doing good and today I had an egg sandwich and then a cupcake and for dinner I am having pasta!

Since I messed up early today I just went ahead and declared the day: OFF THE DIET DAY!!

Tomorrow I will be back to normal. I do feel bad but I cannot change what I ate only what I eat in the future.

Habits are hard to break and it is hard to cook something for the family and not be able to enjoy it. I have to work hard on that. I have been feeding the family the same I eat but with meat, the girls just a few small pieces and my husband a bigger portion since he doesn’t want to stop eating meat.

I know what the potential is if I stay on it w/o messing up and that is 1.5 lbs per day.

3 Reasons to be Inspired

2007-12-05T09:25:00.000-05:00

My middle daughter asked me if she is going to look like me when she grows up, I answered may be and she asked "also the big belie?". Needless to say I was hurt.

My youngest yesterday pointed at a very large woman on TV (500lbs) and said Mama! My husband thinks she was showing her to me but I don't think so.

My oldest is talking about diet but she doesn't want her bones to show.

This is truly hurtful to me because I have been on a constant diet since I was 11 yrs old, I don't eat fried foods, fast foods, junk foods, sodas, no dressings on salads. To me is a puzzle why I don't loose weight.

I have so many reasons to loose 90 lbs but my realization that my daughters are aware of my obesity is my biggest reason to loose this.

I have always talked to them about health and eating healthy and I thought that was it. I did not realize they were noticing my body.

Got new do

2007-12-04T17:47:00.000-05:00

I got some layers in the front and due to my 4.5 lbs my face looks a bit slimmer. I am looking better.

I called emailed a child svc office about a child I think is being molested and I have not heard from them yet.

Cheeesh people take you time now is not like children are in trouble or anything!!!

What else can I do? I am really concerned.

WOW!!

2007-12-02T13:10:00.000-05:00

I lost 4.5 lbs this week!!!!

Summary of Today

2007-11-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

Sunday I had a small corn muffin,
Monday I had a small corn muffin and chicken finguers,
Tuesday I had a little bit of pork chop but even though I felt like eating a PB and J sandwich I went and made myself a banana fluff and I am very proud of that I took control.

I am constantly thinking of:
How bad I want to loose this weight.
Fashion and the new wardrobe.
How I cannot wait until a month has passed to take my update pic and see the difference
How small I will be.
How this has to be it, I need to beat this thing for good.
All the benefits of loosing this 85-90 lbs.
How I am doing this already.
How I am going to take this problem and disappear it from my life.
I control this not the other way around; I have lost too many years already, I refuse to loose any more.
I am taking my life back.

Conquering

2007-11-27T13:46:00.000-05:00

I have conquered lots of things in my life but there is one thing I have not been able to conquer and that is weight loss. Since the age of 7 I have been gaining weight at 13 I weighed 145lbs and during High School 160-170 and gone up to 215 at my highest this past summer. I don't gain a lot because I am always dieting. I have been pregnant 4 times given birth 3 times and dieted a million times.

Life is pretty quiet, I mean no major drama or stresses(not even from the ex-husband-shocking). I am on my second marriage with a wonderful man and we live we my 3 children. I am starting yet another and what I can see as a life long commitment; I started Eat for Life-a vegan way of eating. I eat lots of fruits and veggies and nothing that comes from animals. I am really happy with it; food preparation is not complicated.

I started on Sunday at 207lbs. I can see a difference in my face already.